The state of Nats #2: It has progressed

25 May, 2025

[Week of May 19, 2025]
Enjoy it with Me and The Devil in the background

Data

Instant noodles this week: 2

Coffee after 5PM: 3

Eggs eaten: 1

Books: 2

Life

I started using an app called How We Feel. So far I have “felt” meh (twice), hopeful, calm, down, disengaged, spent, troubled, worried. Great week, obviously. I oscillate between two states as the sun changes its position in the day. I move like tides, high and low many times in a day. Life has many paths now, and I have choice paralysis.

I witnessed a developing cyclone (it has since reduced back to a storm and is close ending) and examined the feeling of awe and beauty as I enjoyed the cool breezy windy weather. I was an asshole, ok? To glorify an upcoming cyclone is despicable, but I was so harangued by the preceding summer that even a storm outside my window was a welcome change. This week, with rattling windows and tree branches falling over in the next lot, I stood at my balcony every morning and thanked Poseidon, the only god I have sincerely prayed to.

I attended a webinar, started a writing cohort motivated by Ta. I met sister Rh, who is overjoyed to see me but refrains from showing it beyond the “essential”. Partner Ru is here at Gurugram with me, like a shepherd guiding me through the motions of my day to day life.

I made a drawing of yellow school busses, and used a lot of my yellow Posca pen.

I applied magnesium lotion to heal my sore muscles from the squat debacle of two weeks prior, and even took a supplemental pill. For the first time in two weeks I was pain free for a whole day.

[Work]

Wouldn’t it be nice to have something to write here?

This got to me

I saw a video this week, and later had my feelings validated when my sister shared it with me. Nothing else can explain my life right now in a better way. The creator is a man and a good writer. I don’t want to be attached to him as it is always risky to be attached to men of the internet, but so far he has shown a keen insight into a flailing heart grasping at happiness. The sentences that circle like vultures are oxymoronic in nature. I am comfortable so I am not ambitious, and I used to be ambitious to be comfortable. But now that I am comfortable I am not ambitious. I do something because to do nothing is worse, yet to do something without ambition is hard. If I am ambitious again then I won’t be comfortable. But if I am uncomfortable, I am unhappy. So I try to enjoy the state of comfort my ambition has provided me. Yet I have to do something. To do nothing is miserable. For that, I need ambition. Ya feel me?!

I think I caught existentialism¹.

Culture consumption

In this time, I have been given joy and excitement by a show called Poker Face. It is a character I feel I have grown up with. Her sense of righteousness, it resembles Nancy Drew. And so does the setup of finding herself around the crime of taking one’s life. Charlie is solving mysteries while on the road. She goes from town to town, gig to gig, and lives among the mundane, spent and belittled beauty of messy, mediocre, sometimes unimpressive lives. Charlie is also a human lie detector. That is her power, and that is the foundation of her crime solving “spree”. We never start an episode with her, but with the crime it self. It is not a who-done-it, we know from the get go who has committed the murder. I find it close to a why-done-it. I could talk about it more, and I will when I finish the show. For now, Charlie gives me a few laughs and always ends the episode by perfectly tying the story together.

I started and finished Project Hail Mary, where I got attached to a character so much that I begged Ru to tell me if they die later. Ru caved. I also finished the audiobook of my favourite new genre in writing, hopecore books about book stores and other cosy places. This was called The Door to Door Bookstore, and it was cute enough to sustain an interest. Everything always ends well in these stories.

May you get pleasant and non-threatening weather,

Nats

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