The state of Nats #1: It begins
[Week of May 12, 2025]
What should the first note of reflection be, if not for capturing the poorest state of recording oneself? Everything must go up from here, this moment marked it time by a post on the internet witnessed by no one. But will it? I am writing because everything has been muddy. I can see nothing, so I must sift through.
I will try different formats here, I will wear different caps, and I will enter different truths.
Life
Yesterday I stepped out to walk from my house to the nearby beach and got eve teased in under 20 minutes. I had stepped out to fetch a good old fashioned chorizo poee for myself. I did make it there, and back, but without the poee.
It has been a bad week for mental health, so I have taken measures to step out and meet a friend on at least two occasions. One of them was over the movie Sinners. I am truly sorry for anyone who cannot enjoy this movie. It is not a criticism but a sincere sense of despair for such individuals. I happen to know a few who do exist, and I pray for them.
My back was hurt during my morning exercise hour. There were two days of excruciating pain, I was restricted to the bed for most of the day. It too has taken a toll on my mind. But days later, as I am improving, I hope my mind can too.
[Work life]
I am in a stage in life where making a living per project is not only exhausting but is feeling redundant. I have been at this for long and unless I am earning a long term income, it feels pointless. So I don’t know how to make money. I experimented. I had a chat with someone who runs a tea business and I simply offered to get share of the profits. She offered free tea in place of some payments. That was a confusing trade. Any potential client seems to have an armour of confidence boosted by AI and young designers who can sacrifice income for a portfolio credit. I am thinking long term, like being a shareholder. They are thinking of spending the least amount of money.
Had a long chat with the rare work colleague I have from my days at Shell. We align well, Mo and I, on our attitudes regarding work, preference of living in tier 2 cities and not chasing the dream of middle management. Everyone my age wants to be a manager. Whenever I read of layoffs, we find companies let go of middle management. Yet everyone who is a work peer is chasing that. I have never been more confused about my own future.
The urge to ignore this field and only set out to write fiction, and never make a living again, it is high. But my conditioning makes me repulsed by the idea of not making my own living. So I am suspended in agony. If someone came up to me and said, here take a job at my place of work, I will take it. I am barely asking any questions. Because I feel I can play one of the two roles:
If I am working, I should like to get paid.
If I am to be unpaid, I should like to create beautiful things that bring me joy.
Culture consumption
I watched Sinners again, with Ru. It was better the second time. Ru and I are both enjoying the soundtrack.
I finished Trust by Hernan Diaz. As I take a while before I form a “review”, by next week I should have a clearer picture. One idea, however, revolving in my mind is the awe I feel for the writing. It is such a simple book, and does a brilliant job on expanding on a few characters and building their universe. The prose is very accessible. There is a lot to learn about writing and storytelling from studying this book.
Until next week,
Nats